So It's In-Vitro

Today was our first appointment with Dr. Henry after a (too long) 7 month hiatus.  Never mind that he was running about an hour behind.  I would have waited another hour.  I probably would have waited even longer just so we could speak with him for 10 (literally 10) minutes.  Because today was the day.  Today was the day that we officially made the decision to start IVF treatments.  And although I am sad that we couldn't do it on our own, I am so excited and so ready to get this show on the road.  But for now we wait.  Ugh.

We wait for approximately 19 days for my cycle to start again. Then birth control (yes, birth control) for 3 weeks or so.  And... that's all I know so far.  This is the downside of not seeing the doctor at his main office in Indianapolis.  We are just left hanging until one of his nurses contacts me with the next steps.  I hate the unknown.  I want to know everything right then and there...first were gonna do this, then this, then on this day this is what will happen.  I need specifics people!  But that's not how it works.  So, we wait.  Very impatiently, we wait.  

Maybe I will hear from them tomorrow.  Until then...I will be so very anxiously...waiting.

Here We Go Again

So, it's been about 7 months since we put a halt on the whole infertility treatment thing.  It's wasn't working, I had no insurance coverage for it, and it was stressing us (mainly me) out to where I was crying every single day.  Today I am happy to say that we are starting the process again.  If there is one good thing about living in Illinois it is the Illinois Infertility Mandate.  You can read about it here.  Basically, it says that it Illinois insurance companies are required to provide coverage for infertility.  Lucky for me and thanks to Matt's employer I am now covered under such plan.

We have a consult on the 22nd with Dr. Henry to go over our options again.  Last time we talked the doctor decided that in-vitro would be our best option.  See my Decisions blog.  I expect he will say the same this time as well.  The only question that remains for me is...when do we start?  I think the only question Matt still has is...how much upfront?  I can answer that.  Using my insurance knowledge for good, not evil (working in the medical field had finally paid off)...I estimate that we will have to pay...at the most...$3000.  And that includes medication.  We can handle that.

I'm excited.  Things are looking up for us again.

*UPDATE:  I failed to mention something in this post.  I did finally have the nerve to call about the in-vitro fee schedule I received from Dr. Henry's office.  I think that was obvious.  Well...I wasn't the one who called.  A co-worker did if for me.  And I am so grateful she did.  I always jump to the worst conclusions.  Only the 20% my insurance doesn't cover has to be pre-paid.  Isn't that lovely.

Still No Baby...

We're still here and still without a baby.

The only thing that has changed in the last 6 months is that I am now on my Matt's insurance. It was a blessing, no doubt. At no cost to us I now have execptional infertility coverage. The only cost I am facing is talking Matt into starting this whole journey again.

My plan was to start up again after our much needed vacation in February. The farthest I have got was to call and get pricing information on In-Vitro. It's expensive. And (if I read the info on the paperwork correctly) to be pre-paid regardless of insurance coverage. I don't have the nerve to actually call to find out. I just burst into tears when I read it and asked Matt to call for a better explanation. That has yet to happen. We (meaning he) agreed to try, try, really try for 2 months; and if we didn't succeed we would start the treament again.

One month to go.

Decisions

Today was our consultation with Dr. Henry to decide on a new plan for us. In the end, there was really no definite plan. It just left us with decisions that I frankly don't want to make.

1) Different fertility drugs and IUI again. At about $3500 a cycle and only a 20% chance of pregnancy we quickly made that decision. No.

2) Exploratory surgery. I'm not sure of the cost, but I'm sure it is more than I am willing to pay. And I don't know that my SHITTY insurance would cover it. The doctor suggested that this be a last resort since it would be very invasive and in the end, he may find that I have no issues other than the unexplained infertility. So, that's a no.

3) In-Vitro. You don't even want to know the cost. It's thousands. And again, my SHITTY insurance doesn't cover it. But...Matt's does. We left the appointment today with the decision to see if I could get on Matt's insurance. The reason we have not looked into this before is because 1) I didn't think it would get this far and 2) cost. The monthly rate to add me to his insurance is more than a weeks pay for me. But, it is definitely much, much less than the cost of the in-vitro.

Decisions, decisions. I HATE them. It's difficult enough for me to choose a restaurant to have dinner. But, I alone did make a decision today. We're done with the fertility treatments. This is stressing me out more than you will ever know. I am sad. I am angry. I am disappointed. I am heartbroken.

A while ago I had a 20 year old girl in my office. She saw a picture of my niece Aubrey and asked (like almost everyone else does) if she was my daughter. I said no. Then she said something like this: Well, you look old. Don't you want children? I already have 2 kids. I politely said yes while in reality I wanted to punch her in the face. It's not fair.

Strike 3

Needless to say, I started today. I am not surprised. I have felt it coming for days now.

The next step: Consultation with Dr. Henry next Tuesday in Terre Haute to discuss a new plan of action. I haven't the slightest idea what it will entail. Injectables maybe? Which just screams expensive. But, per the okay from Matt (the breadwinner in the family) we will keep on keeping on until I have a small Fry (haha) growing inside me.

Speaking of Matt...he was very upset about the news. Much more upset than I ever imagined he would be. I, on the other hand am okay. Which is weird. Just last week I cried so hard from hearing that someone was pregnant that I vomited. I'm sure I'll cry all the way home from work. I do that from time to time. And I'll cry while I'm in the privacy of my own home, before Matt gets home from work. And I'll cry when he walks in the door. And when I shower in the morning. By then I will feel better, but still heartbroken.

Strike 3, but we are not out of the game yet.

Intrauterine Insemination

I wanted more than anything for us to be able to conceive on our own, the traditional way, but that has not worked out for us. So, we made the decision to go ahead with intrauterine insemination. Today was the day. And I have mixed feelings about it.

On one hand, I would do anything to be able to get pregnant. We tried for more than a year before seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist. After two medicated months with no results, IUI seemed to be the right choice. On the other hand, the thought of not getting pregnant naturally is a little upsetting. Test Tube Timmy…or in our case Turkey Baster Tommy was not in my master life plan. But, a lot of things that have happened to me were never part my plan. I think my certainty in having the procedure was based on this…if I end up pregnant, we will never really know if it was naturally or with a little help. Either way, I will love that child like I have never loved before. In the end I know that it is undeniable that we made the best decision.

Our appointment was at 8:30 am (Indiana time). Since my last early morning appointment, both Matt and I grew a little more intelligent and got a hotel room this time. I love staying in hotels and I thought this for sure would relax me. I was nervous. We were nervous.

Our hotel was a whole 3 minutes from the doctor’s office, so not only did we get to sleep in, but we also got to miss all the early morning traffic that Indianapolis brings. We arrived just in time. I am not sure if it was the anticipation of what was to come or the hotel powdered eggs I ate for breakfast, but nausea overwhelmed me. We waited, and waited, and waited. Finally, just over an hour later (there is a process that is done beforehand that takes some time, but I won’t mention it as I do not want to embarrass my husband) it was my turn.

I won’t go into too much detail, but the process is much like a pap smear; lie on table, feet in stirrups, cold speculum. But for this procedure, a small catheter was inserted into my uterus and the “wash” was injected. It took less than 5 minutes and was not as painful as I had convinced myself it would be. It did indeed feel much like a pap smear, uncomfortable for sure, but not excruciatingly painful. The nurse set a timer and I was instructed to lie there and relax. And that I did. Ten minutes later Matt and I were on our way home with smiles on our faces this time.

And that brings me to now. As I sit here and write this I am still a little crampy and a bit nauseous. The sick feeling is nerves, I know. I am by nature an anxious, inpatient creature. October 7^th (when I test) cannot come soon enough. Please say a prayer for us; not only that we get pregnant, but that if I do not, I will be strong enough to get through the heartache and try again.

Follicle Ultrasound #3

Not that I really needed to mention it, but Round 2 was unsuccessful. After testing everyday since September 2^nd, I started on September 7^th (35 day cycle this time).

On with Round 3. Third time’s a charm…right?!

On cycle day 4 (September 10), I started my 3^rd (and highest) dosage of Clomid at 150mg. Again, I was told a larger dose would increase the number of mature follicles. My first cycle I had 1 mature at 22mm and the second cycle they were all less than 14mm.

Again, with the maximum dose there is a chance of increased side effects. This time though there were no crying spells. My eyes stayed dry. This time I was just plain mean. And hot flashes…oh my! Poor, poor Matt; I apologize, honey.

Today I had my 3^rd follicle ultrasound. Luckily, it fell on a day that I was able to have it done in Terre Haute instead of making the trek to Indianapolis. As overly ready as I was last month, I decided not to be so prepared this time. There is no feeling worse than getting excited about my future as a mother and then being disappointed when things just don’t work out. But, to my surprise, all hope was not lost today. I have six (3 on each side) almost, not quite mature follicles with the largest being 16mm! This is good news. But, I still needed to hear from Dr. Henry’s office before I got my hopes up.

My first cycle (if I remember correctly) the doctor’s office called within the hour with the results and plan of action. This time it was more than 3 hours before I heard from them. Waiting….waiting…waiting; I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. Could it have been that they were waiting for me to call and make payment ($95 for doctor to read the ultrasound and $300 for a possible IUI)? Because I called right at 9am and paid. Or was it just that they were busy and got to me as soon as they could? I like to think the latter of the two. Either way, I did finally hear from them.

The plan: Since my follicles were not quite ready today I am to give myself the Ovidrel injection at 9:30 (Indiana time) on Wednesday (September 21^st) followed by Intrauterine Insemination on Friday (September 23^rd). Wish us luck. Cross your fingers…cross your toes…your eyes…your heart and pray, pray, pray.

There is nothing more in this world that I want than to be a mother. And Matt…he will be an amazing father. I just know it.